Letter

monster bug,  

I feel so alone yet im surrounded by so many who love me. My heart is aching and I feel like im screaming and no one can hear me. Like im drowning and no one even knows im in the water. I miss you so much and with everything going on with christmas and me having to go back to work because of no money and having to put a smile on my face and pretend im ok is so hard. I just want to curl up in a little ball and give up but I know I cant. I have your sisters and brother who need me. But I feel like I wasn’t there when you needed me. Like I let you down and it kills me inside. I got to you to late and couldn’t help you. I know your in a better place and your still with me but I wanted to watch you grow and be able to hold you in my arms. all of this stress is pushing me to my breaking point and I feel so helpless. Things are so hard for me right now. Im LOST. I don’t know where to turn and my anxiety about leaving your baby brother is getting to me. I need your guidance right now monster bug. I need you to help me through this. Im so scared and falling apart.  My heart hurts so bad and so I avoid thinking about anything sad but its always in the back of my head. I see myself getting mad for no reason at all and that’s not what I want. I also seem to be distancing myself from everyone and just pretending im ok. But baby  boy im not. Im so lost and hurt. I try to pretend that I can handle it all in stride and that I am ok but the truth is baby boy that I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like the littlest thing could send me over the edge and ill end up in a mental health hospital cuz I cant find the strength to get out of bed anymore. Im trying my best to stay strong and take things day by day but by the end of each day im still hurting, lost and scared. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want everything to be ok. To be like it used to. When I felt so much joy but its not like that right now. Yes I still feel so much joy for your baby brother but at the same time there is still so much hurt and pain that it feels like there is a dark cloud constantly with me.  

 Monster bug I still have so much guilt for not kissing you good bye that night you and daddy dropped me off at work. And the last memory I have of you while you were at the hospital so cold and stiff still plays over and over in my head. I cant get it out!! Its stuck on repeat and makes it so hard for me to remember the good memories of you. I still cant even bring myself to watch the videos of you. It hurts to badly to even think about them. Monster bug mommy loves you so much and im so sorry I didn’t tell you good bye that night, and that I wasn’t there for you. I should have been home that night instead of leaving you at home while I went to work.  

There have been so many times I feel like the pain is just going to over take my soul. But I try my best to keep my head above water and to make sure no one ever forgets you. Losing you has been the hardest and most painful thing I have ever been through. I has shook my soul to the core. It has crumbled what was left of any childish notion and the innocent thoughts that nothing bad can happen to me. I will never forget you baby boy. You will always remain in my heart. No matter what happens please know that you are still my world and you always will be  

I love you for always monster bug  

Mommy