Journal entry 1 July 3rd 2011

Today has been a hard day. I almost fell apart making your brother oatmeal because I realized I would never be able to make you any. I miss you so bad and my heart hurts more than any words could ever express. I feel like I died the day you passed away. And when I held your lifeless body in my arms my heart shattered. I wanted you to come back to me so bad. And I still do. You were my little monster bug and you always will be. I love you so much and nothing will ever change that, not even you returning to heaven. Ive been trying to keep myself busy and stay strong but its so hard! I am going crazy with all this pain. You were the light of my life, My first baby boy and it hurts me so bad to know I will never get to watch your smiling face grow up. It hurts my heart to know I will never get to make your scrapped knee feel better or help you through your first broken heart. I will never get to see you playing outside and everytime I see little boys playing I want to break down. I want you with me so bad. I want to hold you again and feel you breath as you lay on my chest and fall fast asleep. I have so many pictures but they aren’t you. I want to be able to touch you again to hold you to see your sweet smile. I wish this was all just a bad dream that I could wake up from and have you here once again. I don’t know how im going to get through this. I need you here with me. I need to kiss you and tell you I love you. I need to fall asleep with you next to me. I would give anything to have you back. I wish I would of kissed you goodbye. And I will never forget the last time I saw you. You were so happy to go in the carseat to take mommy to work. I wish I would of held you a little longer and kissed you a million times more that night. I hate that you are gone. I hate that I have to be strong and stay positive. I have been trying so hard not to think of you being gone. Ive been pretending that you are just at a babysitters or with your grandma. I don’t want to admit that you aren’t here anymore. It hurts too much. Please help me and give me some sort of sign that you are ok and that you know how much I love you. I need to know!!! I need you back in my arms.