Journal Entry 5 July 12th, 2011

Monster bug it has been an emotional day. I was woke up by your dad crying after he read a dream that your aunt sharmell had. I held him in my arms for about 20 minutes and then got up to read what she had wrote. I wanted to cry so badly but I had to hold it in so your dad didn’t fall apart even more. The dream made me feel good but miss you so much more at the same time. I hate having to get back to normal life without you here. It is so hard. I do my best not to think about it at work but when I see all the baby stuff it breaks my heart. I wish there was some way I could see you again. I miss feeling every breath you take while you lay against my chest. I’ve been having such bad anxiety and I feel like im going crazy with all this constant pain. Your sisters are still in Oregon and I miss them like crazy but not like I miss you. I can see and talk to them. Hold them and tell them that I love them. But I cant do any of that with you anymore and its heart wrenching. Im doing my best to stay positive and smile all the time like you did but I hurt so bad inside. I feel like I have a constant knife in my chest, and every time I think about you someone is twisting it and plunging it deeper into my heart. I start to shake it off but nothing seems to help. I just wish that I could go back in time and change what happened. I wish there was someway to hold you again. Its so hard to see people come into work with their babies. Especially when it’s a baby boy who looks about your age. I see so many people taking for granted what they have and it breaks my heart. If they only knew that tomorrow is never promised and that God can bring his angels back home at any instant would they not yell at their child for wanting a ball or walking too slow. They don’t realize that all those little things are truly a gift and those memories should be treasured.

    Monster bug, I love you so much and im sorry I didn’t kiss you goodbye longer before I left for work. If I’d only known that I didn’t have a lifetime of kisses with you I would of taken a million more pictures and kissed you a million more times. It hurts me to think that I wasn’t here when you went through all this. I got to you to late and you were already gone! How could I of left you so soon. I wish I wouldn’t of started working yet. We needed the money or I wouldn’t have. Now I wear the ring to work that has your ashes in it so you are always with me. I will never forget you ever. I will always wear the ring and keep you close to me. You will always be in my heart and a huge part of my life. My love for you is eternal!!!

  Love

      Your mommy