Journal Entry 4 july 11th 2011

My sweet monster bug, my heart is hurting so bad right now. I don’t want to cry but I don’t know how much longer I can hold back the tears. I need you with me so bad. I set up your angel urn and the small plastic urn plus the ring and teddy bear, pictures and memory box on a table in the living room and even though it hurts me to see it, it also helps me to keep you close. I wish things didn’t have to be this way. I wish you were still here smiling in my arms. I wish I could kiss your soft little lips and smell your sweet little hair. My heart is broken and I am falling apart. You brought so much joy to my life and it kills me to think that you aren’t here anymore. The day all of this happened I was in such shock. Your grandmother came to my work and told me to get in the car. I had no idea what happened until we got in the car. She said you weren’t breathing and may be deceased. When I arrived at the hospital my hands were tingling and I had no idea if you were alive or not. When I ran up the hill I found a paramedic and as he walked me in he told me that they had given up efforts to resuscitate you and if he wasn’t there holding me up I would of ended up on the ground. All I could remember saying was God no please no…. NO NO NO NO God NO!!!! and then I walked in and saw your lifeless body on the bed with a breathing tube down your throat…. I couldn’t believe that this all was really happening. I wanted to die right there with you. Your dad was a mess and blames himself still to this day. Your sisters and brother cried and cried and your uncle woody came and picked them up so they could go to grandma and papas house in Oregon. Grandmother smith and your aunt keshia and uncle calvin and his wife were there. And thank god for that. Then your aunt sharmell and uncle jeff came and helped so much. They are such amazing people. Sharmell was there constantly with me when you were in the NICU. After we said our goodbyes which was one of the hardest things ive ever done since you were so cold when I kissed your forehead and told you I love you, Your aunt monica and Nicole came to the hospital to see me. We then went to Aunt sharmells house and Your papa and Uncle Rocky came over there to see me and take your sisters back to Oregon. The next few days after that are still kind of a blur to me. I still think I have to get the carseat and you ready when I am bout to leave anywhere and then I have to tell myself that you are no longer with me and I almost break down. My sweet monster bug I hope that I will one day hold you in my arms again and see that sweet sweet smile. I love you from the bottom of my heart. You will forever be my monster bug and I will never forget you. You have changed my life in more ways than I ever imagined. I now know that tomorrow is never promised and I appreciate the little things sooooo much more. Life is unpredictable and even though there is pain there is a reason for everything that happens. I LOVE YOU

    Love

        Your mommy