July 15th 2011

Journal entry 7 July 15th 2011

Baby boy, I’m having an emotional day. I feel like crying so badly. I hate feeling like this. I miss you so bad and my heart is aching. I’m doing my best to stay positive and happy but I think about you in all that I do and it hurts. I want you back with me. I’ve been writing poetry to try and ease the pain which does help a little bit but I wish there was a way that I could just be happy and hold you again. Never in my life did I ever think that I’d have to deal with this tremendous pain of losing a child. My first baby boy! I now know the pain that other women talk about when they are falling apart from losing their child. It’s a burden no mother should ever carry especially alone. There is a constant pain that never fully eases in your heart. I know in a few days it probable going to be hard for me since it will be one month since you went back to heaven. Im going to do my best though to stay strong and positive.

I talked to your sisters yesterday. Breonna lost another tooth and lexi had one that was loose which she is super excited about. Breonna is reading Diary of a whimpy kid. She is doing amazing at reading. Im so proud of her! Your sisters are getting so big. Pretty soon they will be getting ready to move out. Time flies so fast. It feels like they were just babies like you but they are already almost 8 and 6. Breonna is going into 2nd grade and lexi will be starting kindergarten. I wish you were here to see them still. I wish that they could hold you and take pictures with them on their first day of school. It hurts me so bad that you wont be here. And that you wont ever have your first day of kindergarten. It makes me so sad. Baby boy, I love you so much and im hurting so badly inside. I feel like someone has ran my heart through a food processor. I just want everything to be ok again. I want everything to go back to the way it was but I know it cant. I know I still have to go through this life without you and that’s the hardest thing ive ever had to go through. But please know I love you forever with every single piece of my heart and soul. You will forever be my monster bug!!

Love

  Your mommy