Your Comforting Spirit

Your Comforting Spirit

Although I can feel you in all that I do,
Tears and heartache slice through and through;

I feel I’m falling apart - How can this be?
Blinded by sorrow and emotions I can’t see.

A knife stabbing pain – I’m suddenly brought to my knees
Then I feel your comfort like a cool night’s breeze,

You’re here once again, in my arms to hold,
So full of warmth and no longer cold.

You look up at me with your smile so sweet
My frozen heart melts and is once more complete.

Loving calmness fills my body and soul
We’re together again and I am finally whole.

A tear of happiness slides down my cheek
My body starts to tremble - I feel so weak;

I close my eyes, take it all in, then I breathe
And once again realize, God called and you must leave.

Awakened by aching, more sadness is felt
I cry sweet tears from this heart throbbing welt

You came into my life, if only for a short while,
And surrounded me with the warmth of your smile.

Though I know the pain will never fully heal,
Your sweet memories make it possible for me to just deal,

I’ll never forget, through the pain, there is hope
And in due time, with God’s help, I will truly learn to cope.

Until we’re back together again, you are the light guiding my way
For you are deep in my heart, and that is where you’ll always stay.

© 2011 Heather Grein

Walk with me

Walk With Me

Walk with me through this maze of pain
With trust in my heart there are lessons to gain

Help me hold on to hope for a brighter day
Be my guiding light on this dark, scary way

Carry me aloft on your golden wings
Bring me to that place where the white dove sings

Hold my hand through each step that I take
Pick me up when I stumble until I finally wake

Guide me safely to that special place
Where all is right in this amazing race

Give me the strength to stay on track
And fill my heart with all that I may lack

Hold my hand tightly and never let go
Where this journey takes us, only the Lord truly knows

Show me the beauty hidden in all that I see
Help me stay afloat on life’s turbulent sea

Show me where the flowers always bloom
Where the clear skies are open to the bright shining moon

Bring me peace and comfort through the night
Let me know that hope is always in sight

Walk with me through this maze of pain
Show me in life, there is so much to gain

I hold on to hope and the spirit within you
One step at a time, feeling you in all that I do
© 2011 – Heather Grein

The things i never knew

The Things I Never Knew

I never knew such pain could exist
Overcome by tears that I try to resist,

I never knew the pain could be so deep
Or the mountain ahead could be so steep.

Every day I climb, inching closer with every step
Every second in constant pain, life no longer giving me pep,

I never knew the heartache of a life no longer here
For my baby grew angel wings and left me in constant fear.

I never knew that such misery could be true,
That a beautiful life could end when it was still so new,

I never knew what others felt in their deepest, darkest hours,
Or the agony of feeling like a cut and dying flower.

I never knew until that day that all my dreams would fade,
And end with a broken heart, shattered by deaths merciless blade,

I never knew the path I would walk could be so full of pain
Or that I would have to fake a smile, just to try and stay sane.

I never knew underneath it all, I’d find the strength to hold on to hope
And continue to breathe, and love, and share, as I learn to try and cope,

I never knew the courage it takes to live life, and not just simply breathe
For death leaves a hole in your very soul, to the eye it does deceive.

But I also never really knew, the love and strength that could surround me
From the friends and family that mention his name, keeping his memory alive is the key

All these things I never knew, have turned my life into so much more
Than I ever could have imagined would be behind this painful door,

Too many now stand with me, learning things we never knew,
Remembering our children, and the beautiful angel wings they grew.
© 2013 Heather Grein

Our Love

Our Love

Our love created an angel.
In the book our fates had written
We cannot know the reasons,
For God’s ultimate plan is hidden.

Until the day we join him
In the glorious heavens above,
Forever bound together by
This amazing thing called love.

Our love has created more
Than words could ever express;
And though we have suffered heartache,
Together, we will always pass the test.

Our angel baby has united our souls
In an eternal and blessed love-knot,
Teaching us the meaning of the journey
And the battles that together we’ve fought.

With each passing day our connections
Grow stronger and deeper in our hearts,
God truly knew what He was doing –
It was his plan from the very start.

The lessons we have learned as one,
In this journey, that sharing, we take
Have brought a new awakening inside,
That only death, and love, can make.

Our love created an angel boy,
With his guiding love, we take the next steps;
Hand in hand we follow our angel’s smile
Through life’s dark, deepest depths.

He blessed us so much and changed our lives
And together forever, we will never forget,
That our love created an angel,
And that was the plan from the first day we met.

© 2012 Heather Grein

My Sweet Baby Boy

My Sweet Baby Boy

My sweet baby boy, with your heart of gold,
Your precious young body and soul so old;

Though you went when you received God’s call,
Your smile melted the hearts of all.

You will never be forgotten, my sweet baby boy,
For that twinkle in your eye brought so many joy,

You must have known you had a purpose, from the very start,
And you will live on forever, in so many hearts.

God took you home, to be his angel in gold,
And I promise - your memory will never be lost or grow cold.

Even in leaving you saved someone’s life,
My angel on earth, sent to break someone’s strife.

My sweet baby boy, as you look down from the stars above,
I know you’re watching over us all, with kindness, smiles and love.

Mommy and Daddy love you forever Eddy.

© 2011 Heather Grein

My Angel Baby

My Angel Baby

My angel baby
With your golden wings,
You’ve filled me with hope,
Inspiration, love and dreams.

Your love changed my life
In so many different ways,
And I’ll never forget you,
Through all of my days,

Although I cry in sorrow,
At this life, so unfair;
Although my shattered heart’s pain
Sometimes seems too much to bear,

I push through the sludge
Toward your guiding light,
And look to the stars
To find you there in the night.

Though no longer within my reach,
I know you’re never far away –
And when the wind blows through
the trees,
I know it’s you in their steady sway.

I see your warm love
In the sunshine each day
Bringing the light to my life
In so many wonderful ways.

My angel baby
With your golden wings,
I feel your glorious soul
In the simplest of things.

I feel your breath in the wind
Upon my face, so sweet;
Each day, a new found way,
For our linked souls to meet.

You are the warmth of the sun
When its raining inside my soul,
Filling me with the feeling
Of once again being whole.

In the soothing patter of rain drops,
Nature’s melody playing as they fall,
I simply sit quietly and listen,
To the sound of your sweet call

The feel of moonlight softly
Shimmering on my skin at night
Tells me you life’s purpose
Was never anything but right.

My angel baby
With your golden wings,
Knowing your never far
Makes my soul sing

And through all this pain
I promise you this;
I will live my life for you,
And all the lovely things you missed.
© 2011 – Heather Grein

I Wish I Wonder I know

I Wish, I Wonder, I Know

I wish I could hold you
In my arms once more,
That just for a moment,
God would reopen the door,

I wish I could see
Your innocent smile,
Just one more time,
For just a little while,

I wish I could feel
Your tiny heartbeat again,
But for now I can only sit
And wonder just when …

When will I get to see
My little angel in gold,
And fill the place in my heart
That you will forever hold?

When will I gaze once more
Into that precious young face,
And kiss your sweet dimple,
That made my heart race?

I wish you were here with me
Through all the rest of my days -
Helping me through the rain and
shine
Of this life’s often heartbreaking
maze.

My heart’s a shattered bottle
Cast afloat in the ocean waves,
And I sometimes feel as if my soul is
lost
In some deep, dark and lonely cave.

You brought joy to my life
And happiness to my heart;
If only I had known God’s plan -
What was to unfold, right from the
start …

Maybe then I would have held
You just a little longer
And maybe prayed for God above
To make me just a little stronger.

I wish I could show you, my son,
How deep my love for you flows -
What I wouldn’t give for a little more
time
God in heaven, himself, only knows.

I’ll never forget all the joy
Your sweet little soul brought,
Or with the touch of your hand,
All the love that you taught.

I so wish, my sweet child,
I could hold you once more,
And that my heart still felt happy,
Not so shredded and torn.

I wish this pain that I feel
Wasn’t as bad as it seems
And that I could just wake up
To find this was just a bad dream -

But it’s real, you are gone,
And I cry these tears from my soul,
Knowing deep down inside
I’ll never again feel completely
whole.

But somehow, in all of this
Heartache, pain and sorrow,
I know, with God’s help,
It will be a brighter day tomorrow.

I know you will forever be with me,
A permanent piece of my heart,
Forever and ever, my son,
We will never truly be apart.

And when you look down with smiles

From God’s heaven above,
I hope that you know in your heart,
You were truly and deeply loved.
© 2011 – Heather Grein

Ended Beginnings

Ended beginnings, cut short too soon,
One chapter written, the rest now in the moon.

Endless hope vanished into the stars,
With you so close - yet so very, very far.

Ended beginnings, a life now gone from my arms,
Gone to heaven above, now safe from all harm …

Ended beginnings that changed so much,
No more sweet little smile, or precious little touch.

Ended beginnings that have torn me apart,
Turned my life upside down and broke my fragile heart.

Ended beginnings with you gone so soon,
My life and my future now play a sad, sad tune.

Ended beginnings, gone are dreams and hope,
Now there’s just a broken mommy learning to cope.

Ended beginnings, with so much love left to give,
Taking one step at a time, somehow relearning how to live.

Ended beginnings that aren’t really the end,
For I feel you every day, and all the love you still send.
© 2012 Heather Grein

Can you Hear me

Can You Hear Me?

Can you hear me,
Through the words I do not speak?

I'm reaching out to you,
for you are what I seek.

Your love has got a hold on me
And though I say no words,

I pray you see it all;
Even what may not be heard.

It is loud and clear
If you truly listen

Just open up your heart;
You will see it glisten.

From sun up to sun down
It never goes away -

In my heart, and in my soul
Is where it always stays.

So, can you hear me,
Through the words I do not say?

Listen with your heart
And you will find the way.

There are no words
For all I have inside;

Just the hearts understanding
For you, in which I confide.

Something so powerful
It can not be compound -

A magical force
In which there is no sound.

So, can you see my love,
Though nothing can be heard?

My heart is speaking to you,
Without a single word.
© 2010 – Heather Grein

As I

As I watch the clouds slowly drift by

The weight of sorrow brings a tear to my eye


I say a silent prayer for all to once again to be right

But to keep a smile upon my face seems to be a daily fight


I miss you more than words can say

And Id give anything to go back to that day


When you were in my arms so safe and tight

Surrounding me with your amazing light


Now with wings you soar above

Watching over us all with your guiding love


But I still cry out in the night to see your sweet smile once more

And this pain inside hurts me to the core

Living in this nightmare through my worst fear

So lost and saddened with you no longer here


Your sweet memory the only thing I now hold dear

With all these tears, all I ever wanted was to watch you grow
throughout the years


A shattered heart and memories left in mind

A life cut short with broken dreams left behind


So lost in this fog of despair

Trying to find a way to show you I still care


Id give my life to bring you back from heaven above

So all who knew you could be showered with your love


Through all this pain ive learned so much

My life forever changed from your sweet touch

If Only

If only..
The question that we face in our time of sorrow,
So much life now gone, with no time to borrow

If only...
The hollow words replay throughout our every thought
No child should pass and leave us in this hell where we’re now caught

If only....
The wretched emptiness could just be filled
And we could once again begin the life we started to build

If only...
We could move on from the brutal pain
For caught in this darkness, we are no longer sane

If only...
Two little words… with such deep meaning now
Our children have passed and left us questioning how

If only....
Such pain and sorrow did not exist
And we did not have to deal with the tears we now resist

If only...
There was a way to go back and change the past
For now we bear this burden of the child-loss mask

If only...
The world knew what we deal with every day
Or there were words enough to make it all ok

If only...
We knew how to move on with a simple real smile
Without the fear that tragedy will strike again at any given mile

If only...
The words that echo in our hearts now, every single day
As we pull ourselves together and we try to find our way

If only....
We didn’t have to carry this heavy feeling of loneliness and sudden tears,
And had the strength to live each day without the constant worry and the fears...

If only…

Letter from Grandpa

Dear Trip,

You’ve been in Heaven for a couple months now Trip, and Grandpa has been missing you really bad today. I know that you’re in a better place than this old nasty Earth, and I will cherish the day I get to join you.

Until then, I’m devoting most of my talents at image creation to others who are in pain and grief … I know that you are probably playing with all of these other angel babies right now, and thinking your old Grandpa is silly for crying so much while he does it, and I only hope that you are as proud of the precious keepsake images I’m creating for them, as I am to be your Grandpa, little boy.

My heart breaks every time I think about all the things we’ll never get to do together. I’ll never get to show you how to whittle a marshmallow roasting stick, or clean a fish – I won’t get to help you ride a bike, or tell you ghost stories around a campfire – I won’t get to share a scary movie, or plant a cow-kiss on your sweet cheeks, but I know you will be right beside me as I do these things with your brother(s) and sisters and cousins … so I guess we’ll be getting to do them together anyway, huh?

Some days are harder than others, and even now when I have a good day, I still feel a little guilty if I laugh out loud, but I guess it only shows that even though you have left this world behind, I’m still here and alive, and I tell myself that it’s okay to be happy sometimes too …. I’ll NEVER stop loving and missing you, and I truly think I felt your caress in the sunshine on my face today … Thank you for all of the love your little soul is still giving all of us who love you.

Grandma finds it real hard sometimes to watch me create Angel Baby images, but she also feels the love that you pour out on us when I do.  Tell Tristan that Smiley Riley is doing great, and tell Savannah and Gracie and Freddie and Kynli and Braydon and all the rest that their families all really like their images – but then I’m sure you guys ALL already know that.  I feel so blessed to have been your Grandpa, Eddy … You’ve made me a better man.

Grandma and I love you, Trip – forever …

I am going to be putting together a slide show video of our angel babies. If  you would like to have you child added please email me at eddysmommy4life@gmail.com All proceeds of the video will be donated to the wonderful people at the tears foundation.

The Things I Never Knew

The Things I Never Knew

I never knew such pain could exist,

Overcome by tears that I try to resist,

I never knew the pain could be so deep

Or the mountain ahead could be so steep.

Every day I climb, inching closer with every step

Every second in constant pain, life no longer giving me pep,

I never knew the heartache of a life no longer here

For my baby grew angel wings and left me in constant fear.

I never knew that such misery could be true,

That a beautiful life could end when it was still so new,

I never knew what others felt in their deepest, darkest hours,

Or the agony of feeling like a cut and dying flower.

I never knew until that day that all my dreams would fade,

And end with a broken heart, shattered by deaths merciless blade,

I never knew the path I would walk could be so full of pain

Or that I would have to fake a smile, just to try and stay sane.

I never knew underneath it all, I’d find the strength to hold on to hope

And continue to breathe, and love, and share, as I learn to try and cope,

I never knew the courage it takes to live life, and not just simply breathe

For death leaves a hole in your very soul, to the eye it does deceive.

But I also never really knew, the love and strength that could surround me

From the friends and family that mention his name, keeping his memory alive is the key

All these things I never knew, have turned my life into so much more

Than I ever could have imagined would be behind this painful door,

Too many now stand with me, learning things we never knew,

Remembering our children, and the beautiful angel wings they grew.

© 2013 Heather Grein

Graphic Requests

If you are a greiving parent/family memeber and would like a graphic done feel free to leave a comment.. All graphics made are in honor of my monster bug. I can do any backgound saying or picture you would like ...  

January 30th 2013

As the days pass on and i walk blindly into the future, i carry you in my heart. I do not know what tomorrow will bring but i know that you are with me every step of the way. Your sisters and brothers think you you often. I know Drayce sees you. Ive seen him smiling and talking into your corner. thank you for being a part of me and my life. You forever changed me! I love you monster bug. Forever and always !!!

December 6th 2012

Dear Monster  Bug,  

 I know  its been awhile but I hope you know  I think about you  everyday. Your little brother Drayce entered  the world  on November 1st  and  I  know you were right there with us. He  looks so much like you and I love him so much. I still get sad sometimes though  when I look at him because I wish  you were  here with us so I could see you both together. He had to stay  in  the  hospital just like you did and while  he  was  there they had moved  him to the same exact spot that you had stayed in and I almost lost it. They moved him though which made  it easier for me to deal with. It was still scary  though. It made me feel like I was going  through all  of the pain of losing you again. Monster bug mommy misses  you  so  much. My heart  hurts so bad when I  think  about it. I pray every day that  you watch over you little brother and protect  him. Its so hard sometimes and I almost call him monster  bug and then catch  myself which  makes  me want to cry but it just reminds me that you are with us everyday.  

 We are coming up on Christmas again and  this will be the first year were are  all together as a family and I wish  you were here so I could see you open  presents with your  sisters. I'm trying  my  hardest to keep  it cheery so your  sisters have a good christmas but its hard. I have to keep my  tears from over taking the mood  and  spirit of  christams. We were truly blessed  this year, mommy entered a contest and shared  our  story and we ended up winning a gift  card to be able to  get your sisters christmas  presents. And on top of that some friends and family have sent some  amazing blessings our way for your sisters too. Thank you for guiding me to  put your  story and the story of our  family out there.  

 Your grandpa and I have made a page for you that will have all your pictures, videos, memories  and more on so  that you will never be forgotten. I love you so much baby boy. You bring me so much strength and inspiration. And im so glad you came into our  lives. You have brought so much more  than  you could ever know. I will write you  again soon  I promise. Mommy  loves  you forever my little monster bug !!  

 Love mommy <3 

A Million TImes

A million times I've thought,

     About his precious smile.

A million times I wished he was here,

     If only for a little while …

A million times I've tried,

     To hold my head up high,

And a million times, through tears,

     I've asked my loving God … Why?

Why did it have to be my son?

     Why do I live with this heart ache so deep?

Why was his life so suddenly done?

     Why do I now sit here and weep?

A million times I've thought about him,

     A million times I've pleaded for him back,

A million times picturing his light now dim,

     And a million times I've wanted life back on track.

Why did I have to see him there,

     His little body so quiet and cold?

Why did that have to be

     The last memory of my boy that I hold?

Why, God, Why did it have to be this way?

      A million times I've only wanted him back …

Why, oh why, couldn’t my son just stay?

     Now, a million times my world has turned black.

Why dear God, why

     Did it have to be him?

Why do I have to feel inside

     Like I've lost a missing limb?

Why was he here with us

     For such a short and wonderful time?

Why is this grief and excruciating

     Pain and sorrow now mine?

A million times I prayed,

     And asked you for the reason,

And a million times you’ve told me, God,

     That in this life there are seasons.

A million times I've hit my knees,

     And asked You why, God, why?

The words "A Million Times"

    Was always your reply …

“A million little smiles

     For you to love and cherish,”

From the day you gave him to me,

     He was meant to share, then perish.

“My plan for your angel

     Was never for him to stay …

But to touch a million lives

     In a very special way.

“So never forget the timeless love

     That with every smile, he gave …

And ride it to the safety of shore

     Like a storm-tossed, incoming wave.

“He was meant for so much more …

     So remember, when you ask me "Why?"

That he touched your soul at the very core,

     But he was always meant to grow wings and fly.

“You were blessed a million times,

     With his beauty and smile so pure,

And his love for you is strong enough

     To get you through all the pain you must endure.

“A million little things he left,

     Behind, for you to hold …

So spread his love around the world,

     And let his shooting star story be told.

“So ask Me not the question ‘Why?’ …

     The answers will all be known one day,

And until that glorious reunion,

     Alive in your heart, he shall stay.

“Rest at ease, my child,

     And know he guides your way.

With a million little signs and kisses,

    Throughout your lifetime, every day.”

© 2012 Heather Grein

Letter

monster bug,  

I feel so alone yet im surrounded by so many who love me. My heart is aching and I feel like im screaming and no one can hear me. Like im drowning and no one even knows im in the water. I miss you so much and with everything going on with christmas and me having to go back to work because of no money and having to put a smile on my face and pretend im ok is so hard. I just want to curl up in a little ball and give up but I know I cant. I have your sisters and brother who need me. But I feel like I wasn’t there when you needed me. Like I let you down and it kills me inside. I got to you to late and couldn’t help you. I know your in a better place and your still with me but I wanted to watch you grow and be able to hold you in my arms. all of this stress is pushing me to my breaking point and I feel so helpless. Things are so hard for me right now. Im LOST. I don’t know where to turn and my anxiety about leaving your baby brother is getting to me. I need your guidance right now monster bug. I need you to help me through this. Im so scared and falling apart.  My heart hurts so bad and so I avoid thinking about anything sad but its always in the back of my head. I see myself getting mad for no reason at all and that’s not what I want. I also seem to be distancing myself from everyone and just pretending im ok. But baby  boy im not. Im so lost and hurt. I try to pretend that I can handle it all in stride and that I am ok but the truth is baby boy that I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like the littlest thing could send me over the edge and ill end up in a mental health hospital cuz I cant find the strength to get out of bed anymore. Im trying my best to stay strong and take things day by day but by the end of each day im still hurting, lost and scared. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want everything to be ok. To be like it used to. When I felt so much joy but its not like that right now. Yes I still feel so much joy for your baby brother but at the same time there is still so much hurt and pain that it feels like there is a dark cloud constantly with me.  

 Monster bug I still have so much guilt for not kissing you good bye that night you and daddy dropped me off at work. And the last memory I have of you while you were at the hospital so cold and stiff still plays over and over in my head. I cant get it out!! Its stuck on repeat and makes it so hard for me to remember the good memories of you. I still cant even bring myself to watch the videos of you. It hurts to badly to even think about them. Monster bug mommy loves you so much and im so sorry I didn’t tell you good bye that night, and that I wasn’t there for you. I should have been home that night instead of leaving you at home while I went to work.  

There have been so many times I feel like the pain is just going to over take my soul. But I try my best to keep my head above water and to make sure no one ever forgets you. Losing you has been the hardest and most painful thing I have ever been through. I has shook my soul to the core. It has crumbled what was left of any childish notion and the innocent thoughts that nothing bad can happen to me. I will never forget you baby boy. You will always remain in my heart. No matter what happens please know that you are still my world and you always will be  

I love you for always monster bug  

Mommy 

Hold On, Mommy

Hold on mommy, I know things can be rough,
I watch you cry in pain, when no one can see,
Please hold on mommy, I know without me things seem tough,
But I’m still here next to you. Remember, faith is the key.

Hold on mommy, the rain won’t last forever,
The sun will shine once more, in all of its glory.
Just hold on mommy, there will be better weather,
This isn’t the end, but the beginning of your story.

Hold on mommy, for we’ll be together once more,
Our hearts are united, with a never-ending love,
So hold on mommy, one day you’ll know how to soar,
On angel-wings we can fly, like a peaceful white dove.

Hold on mommy, and know I’m with you at your core,
Hold me close in your heart, for I was with you when you cried -
All you have to do is hold on mommy, just a little while more,
I’ll be watching over you mommy, with the angels by my side.

© 2013 - Heather Grein

--------------------------------

My angels Story

 It all started when mommy was going to school.... She had taken mulitple pregnancy tests only for them to come out negative... So mommy decided to have daddy take her to the doctor just incase... When we got there first thing he did was an ultra sound and you were smiling in the pictures inside mommys tummy... to both of our shock and amazement i was 6 months along and having a baby boy!! We didnt even know i was pregnant... I wasnt showing at all.... right after i found out i started to show and everyone was shocked that i was pregnant and that far along.... the pregnancy went smooth and my water broke outside the doctors office right after he had just told me he was sending me to the hospital to induce me and i  went into labor with you... They labor went the best you could hope for... They had to break my water the rest of the way and you came into the world with the nicu in the room because there was mecconium in the fluid but to our suprise and joy you didnt have to go straight to the nicu... We were overjoyed, Aunt Nicole and Uncle Dave were there to welcome you into the world. The next morning when were thought we would be able to bring you home they nurses came in to do a jaundice test on you and told us you would have to go to the nicu because your numbers were higher than they had ever seen. Mommy and daddy were so scared!! We didnt know what to do.... You ended up spending almost 3 weeks in the nicu and Having a blood transfusion for being very anemic but you had lots of visitors... Aunt Sharmell came multiple time, Grandmother Smith came, Grandma and Grandpa Grein came, uncle woody, your sisters, cousins christle and stephanie and Aunt theresa all came, We were so proud to show you off.... 

Then the day you came home was so exciting!!! We couldnt wait to bring you home.... You were smiling from before you were born... We tooks so many pictures and Now im so glad we did!! 

Mommy started work when you were about two months old and was so excited to show everyone all of your pictures. 

Then one day while i was at work my phone was ringing over and over but i couldnt answer it because i was working and i didnt know what was going on... Around 6am Grandmother Smith showed up and told me to get in the car.. I was lost and didnt understand what was going on... i was in shock as she sped away patting my leg and weaving in and out of traffic... all i heard was it may be too late! and instant fear took over my whole body as i prayed everything was ok but i still didnt fully understand what had happened or what was going on... we pulled up to the entrance and i ran as fast as i could up the hill, There i found an ambulance driver and told him i think something has happened to my son that i just came from work and didnt know what was going on...He held on to me and told me that Im sorry to tell you but he isnt breathing and we are no longer trying to resuscitate... I immediately colapse against the wall screaming NO NO NO PLEASE GOD NO

It took everything i had inside to pull myself up and let him lead to the room you were in... It was full of loving family. Aunt Keshia, Aunt Sharmell, aunt Monica, aunt Nicole, Uncle Jeff, Uncle Calvin, Grandmother Smith and Uncle woody and your sisters and daddy was crying rocking back and forth blaming himself and in shock too... we hugged and then i sat next to the bed where your little body was laying!! It was the saddest memory i have... The nurse came in and wrapped you in warm blankets and placed you in my arms.... I sat in the chair and held you crying and crying!..... I laid you down and found an inner strength i didnt even know i had as i walked outside and called your grandma and grandpa I cant remember anything i said except i had to repeat over and over baby eddy passed away... baby eddy passed away... i went back to the room and did my best to comfort you daddy and help him in his greif, and then i held you in my arms until it was time to go and so we leaned over to kiss you cold little nose and as daddy did i remember this so clearly he said "OMG he is so COLD God NO NO NO" and i hugged him and we walked down the hall.... 

The next few Days were a blur... we stayed at aunt sharmells house and i dont remember much except that there was a special lady offering to help us in this time of need She has forever gained a friend in me.... I wish i could do more to thank her for all she has done for us... She is an amazing woman and has been there for us since the day it happened. Her name is Jessica Fuller and she is an angel on earth. 

Letter

To my dearest monster bug,

     My heart aches to know I will never again hold you in my arms. There is a constant pain no words can describe that has left a hole in my heart.

You left too soon and I miss you with every ounce of my being. I will never get to make you feel better when you scrape your knee or have your first broken heart. I will never get to see your sweet smile or hear you soft little giggle again.

I am trying my hardest to stay strong and keep everything together for your sisters, brother and dad. Sometimes I don’t know if I have it in me but then I think of you and you give me strength to get through the day and sleep through the night. I wish I could see you once more and hold you in my arms, tell you I love you and say good bye to my little monster bug. I will never let your memory die. You will live on forever in my heart. You changed my life forever! I will never forget the happiness you brought to all who knew you. I wish with all my heart that I had more time with you. You were the best baby a mother could ask for and I am so blessed to be your mother!!! You were able in your passing to save anothers life…. I am so proud that  you were able to do that…. You have inspired me in so many ways…. I love you so much…. I hope one day soon god will bless us with another baby and I hope you will be there with me every step of the way, keeping him or her safe and being my guiding light…. I will never forget you and all the changes you brought to my life. You are eternally in my heart and soul. Though I miss you more than word could say I know you had a purpose and you enjoyed everyday on earth you had. I love you for always and forever my little monster bug. Thank you for blessing me with your loving heart and constant smiles. I will always cherish those memories. R.I.P. Baby Eddy <3

     Love always,

                Your mommy

Journal entry 1 July 3rd 2011

Today has been a hard day. I almost fell apart making your brother oatmeal because I realized I would never be able to make you any. I miss you so bad and my heart hurts more than any words could ever express. I feel like I died the day you passed away. And when I held your lifeless body in my arms my heart shattered. I wanted you to come back to me so bad. And I still do. You were my little monster bug and you always will be. I love you so much and nothing will ever change that, not even you returning to heaven. Ive been trying to keep myself busy and stay strong but its so hard! I am going crazy with all this pain. You were the light of my life, My first baby boy and it hurts me so bad to know I will never get to watch your smiling face grow up. It hurts my heart to know I will never get to make your scrapped knee feel better or help you through your first broken heart. I will never get to see you playing outside and everytime I see little boys playing I want to break down. I want you with me so bad. I want to hold you again and feel you breath as you lay on my chest and fall fast asleep. I have so many pictures but they aren’t you. I want to be able to touch you again to hold you to see your sweet smile. I wish this was all just a bad dream that I could wake up from and have you here once again. I don’t know how im going to get through this. I need you here with me. I need to kiss you and tell you I love you. I need to fall asleep with you next to me. I would give anything to have you back. I wish I would of kissed you goodbye. And I will never forget the last time I saw you. You were so happy to go in the carseat to take mommy to work. I wish I would of held you a little longer and kissed you a million times more that night. I hate that you are gone. I hate that I have to be strong and stay positive. I have been trying so hard not to think of you being gone. Ive been pretending that you are just at a babysitters or with your grandma. I don’t want to admit that you aren’t here anymore. It hurts too much. Please help me and give me some sort of sign that you are ok and that you know how much I love you. I need to know!!! I need you back in my arms.

Journal Entry #2 July 5th 2011

Today is going to be my first day back at work. Im scared im not going to be strong enough to keep myself together and not break down and cry while im there. The past two days have been very hard for your dad and I. There is so much pain in his eyes it breaks my heart. We miss you so much and wish that you were still physically here with us. Yesterday would have been your first 4th of july and we would of gone over to your aunt Keshia’s and had a BBQ and watched the fireworks. It was too much for your dad and I to go so we just stayed home and watched tv to try to get our minds off of everything. The pain I feel is so deep in my heart it hurts just to see another baby that would have been your age. Your grandpa made me so proud at your funeral. He did an amazing job with the sermon. I promise you my little monster bug that I will never ever ever forget you and all the joy you brought to my life in the short time you were with me. I love you more than words can express and I only wish I would of got to see you grow. I sit and wonder what you would look like at 1 year or 10 years or on your wedding day. You would have been the most handsome man ever. Eddy I miss you so so so much and I only hope you realize what a true blessing you were to everyone who knew you. You will forever live in my heart sweet baby boy. Oh yeah and I get to go pick up my ring tomorrow which makes me so happy. That way I will always have a piece of you with me at all times no matter where I go. Thank you for being such a blessing in my life. You are and always will be the light of my life. Love always and forever

   Your mommy

Journal Entry #3 July 11th 2011

I miss you so much! And ive been having really bad anxiety attacks lately…I slept with your monkey blanket the other night and pretended it was you. I wished and prayed with all my heart that is was you and that you were once again sleeping on my chest. I wanted to feel your heart beat against mine and listen you every breathe you took. I would never wish this pain on anyone. I had so much hope for you. I wanted to watch you grow and laugh and smile. I wanted you to make friends and see all the good the world has. Even with all the bad in this world there is still good. There are good people and the connections we make in life is what its all about. I wanted you to experience all of that good. I wanted you to get the chance to see all of the people who truly love and care about you. I wish you could of  had a chance to see all the love and kindness that is out there. I miss you with all my heart. I cant write much today because I have to go to work soon but I promise ill write you more tomorrow… I love you monster bug thank you for being apart of my life my heart and my soul!!!!